I have sat and watched my son closely for the past few weeks prepping for his Senior year of high school and my heart is breaking. He is 17 (and a half) and I can’t seem to “let go”. I had him young. I had him when I had no idea what I was doing with my own life and I immediately had another life to figure out. I toted him along my own journey of “figuring it out” for years. Him just toddling along with his big blue (now green) eyes looking up to me as if I knew what I was doing. Now, not to get anything confused, I wasn’t on drugs or unstable in a chemical-substance-dependence sort of situation. I just didn’t know where I belonged and ran from everything. For a short stent it was just he and I. Then when he was five, along came his sister and then 6 years later, his brother. I have always tried to protect him. I get very defensive over him. Even though he can dance on my nerves, no one else better say a word about him.

Now, I am struggling on how to land my helicopter and stop hovering. Truth is…I don’t know how. Truth is…I’m afraid of losing him. Truth is…I’m not ready. Truth is…he is.

I look back at what I was doing at the age of 17 and BOY is it WAY different than what he is doing! He’s a good kid. Works five to six days a week, never being late or missing a day. He’s not a huge fan of school but yet he never misses a day. (Can you see the trend in our house? You show up. Even if you don’t want to.) He has a great group of friends. (Although I did too growing up. I also worked and made good grades.) It’s the “recreation” part of life that we differ. I had a car and my license at 16. He does not. Partially because of him and mostly because of me. I am TERRIFIED for him to drive. What if he goes too fast? What if he gets hurt? What if he hurts someone else? What if he dies? Truth is…The anxiety I have thinking of him driving is crippling at times. Just out there on his own going and doing whatever. But he shouldn’t have to carry that. I see a lot of my friends with kids his age (and younger) buying cars and handing over keys and I think “you aren’t scared?!” I mean, not judging at all! All parenting is different and my parents didn’t bat an eye giving me a car but why can’t I be like that? Why is it so HARD for me to let go and let him move forward and drive?

I have sat up many nights thinking of reasons I have to control or hover every movement this kid makes. (All my kids really but him specifically since he’s older.) Maybe because I have lost so many of my friends to senseless reasons. Maybe because if something happens I’ll carry that guilt forever. Maybe I’m afraid of him moving out and moving on and not needing me. (I mean I only stopped making his dinner plate last year because my husband kept calling me out on it). He has never “not” needed me. And Truth is…I don’t know how it’s gonna feel when he doesn’t anymore.

Truth is…it’s time for him to start living his life

Truth is…it’s time for him to be a teenage boy (almost young adult man)

Truth is…it’s time for me to pull back and let him go. (A little)

So Brandon, here is a Note From Mom…I’m gonna pull back and let you lead the way. I’m gonna be right here forever and always but it’s time to let you spread your wings! Make good choices! Remember everything I’ve taught you when you’re making that choice! Continue making me proud! And know that when you hit a bump and make a mistake, it’s ok.

#1. Anxiety is real. Like, REALLY real. Whatever anxiety I thought I had prior to May 29, 2020 was NOTHING compared to what developed after that day. Myself and everyone close to me has had to learn to manage and live with this “new” anxiety, we’re still learning. And it’s exhausting.

#2. Take the trip. Take. The. Trip. (this is also where I’d say Buy the Tickets but there are none to buy)

#3. That everyone is mad. Like really mad. About EVERYTHING. Be patient. Listen to people. Listen to why they’re mad. Even if you don’t agree.

#4. That I have taken the “little” things for granted for a long time. This year, I missed a lot of the “little” things.

#5. Many people close to me struggled this year. Some made it through, some did not and some suffered great and heartbreaking loss.

#6. To check on the “Strong” people in your life. This year beat them up too.

#7. That my family is solid and that I am so lucky to have them and to be where I am.

#8. That I freaking LOVE Great Danes (or mine at least). Who knew a floppy eared goofball of a dog would bring me so much JOY this year! I swear she also senses when I start to feel anxious before anyone else and will hop right up on the couch with me and “cuddle”.

#9. Raising teenagers will make you ready to start a fight club. But you still love them with your whole heart.

#10. If you didn’t accomplish anything in 2020 other than making it through the day, that’s perfectly ok!

When the clock strikes midnight there won’t be a “New Year, New Me”… there will be a “I made it, WE made it!!” I’m gonna kiss my husband, text my family and be thankful I still have them all. Nothing is going to change from 11:59 to 12:00 but the date. We still have a LOT of work to do. But in 2021 everyone should LIVE. When it’s “safe” (or safe to you) go live your life. You don’t get it for long. Go book the trip. When your favorite entertainment resumes, whatever that may be, go buy the tickets.

Live. Your. Life.

And apologize to no one for doing it.

Happy New Year. 🎆 😘